Martin Sheen watches in horror as his wife is electrocuted
by Mr. Coffee. Instead of going on a
Death Wish after Juan Valdez, he moves his kid to New York. Pretty soon, Sheen’s son becomes the target
of a child-sacrificing Santeria cult.
Directed by John (Midnight Cowboy) Schlesinger and written by
Mark (Twin Peaks) Frost, The Believers has a solid pedigree both behind and in
front of the camera. The top notch supporting
cast, which includes Helen Shaver (Sheen’s sexy landlady), Richard Masur (Sheen’s
lawyer who does gratuitous magic tricks), Robert Loggia (asshole cop), and
Jimmy Smits (crazy cop) are all fine in their roles. However, the film is prone to many of the
same pitfalls that similar horror flicks by classy directors face.
The big problem is it’s just not scary. It’s slick-looking and well-acted, sure. The only scene that threatens to raise any
goosebumps is the part where spiders crawl out of a woman’s open sore. For the most part, Schlesinger seems to frown
upon this type of showmanship in favor of ominous warnings and tedious pacing.
Sometimes, Schlesinger plays things so deadly serious that it’s
good for an unintentional laugh or two. I
cracked up during the scene where Sheen sees a cup of coffee and it reminds him
of his dead wife. You’ve also got to
laugh when the stone-faced cult leader pulls a Jedi Mind Trick on customs
agents so they won’t open his baggage full of voodoo paraphernalia.
Clocking in at nearly two hours, The Believers is overlong
and clunky. The opening sets the stage
nicely, but it just gets weaker and dumber as it goes along. Like any ‘80s movie, it all ends with a
showdown in an abandoned boiler room.
The little “GOTCHA” footnote at the end is really lame too.
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